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Tales of the other bank

(with apologies to Kenneth Grahame and Jake Rolling)

"Oh Ratty", said Mole, rushing in and quite out of breath, "I just had a dreadful dream  … it was about a Vole, the Vole of Death, whose name may not be spoken!"

"Calm down, dear", said Ratty "have a cup of tea and tell me all about it".

"Well", Mole began, "I dreamt I was looking diagonally over the river to the other bank and saw a strange otter. I called over and asked his name and he replied "Arip"."

"That's a Malaysian name isn't it?"

"Yes, I think so.  Anyway, this Arip Otter had just arrived in the area and had two friends with him: an Ermine and a Stoat, or was it a Weasel?"

"Oh yes…", said Ratty, beginning to see where Mole was leading….

"He was just starting at the new school near here, and the headmaster was a Bumble Bee, or something like that…"

Ratty began to groan softly, but he let Mole continue

"Arip told me he was looking for a nose…."

"A nose? You mean a “snitch”?"

"Yes, OK, that's the slang word for nose, clever clogs, but let's keep to standard English shall we?" snapped Mole, "Well, he was also looking for some shoes, platform shoes actually."

"Why would he want those?"

"Goodness knows, but they had to be size 9 and three-quarters"

"That size doesn't exist!"

"Apparently it does over there, ... you just have to insist.  Anyway, Arip apparently needed the shoes and the nose to defeat his enemy, who was that Vole whose name could not be spoken."

"The Vole of Death?"

"Yes, that’s him.  So, Arip Otter found the nose and the shoes and the Bumble Bee was delighted but warned him that the Vole couldn't be defeated so easily. Apparently, Arip also needed a pound coin …."

"Don't tell me", grinned Ratty: "… a quid…"

"Now, really, I won't tell you again about using slang!", said Mole contemptuously.

"Oh alright, if that's how you want it", said Ratty.

"… and he also needed a hole in the ground to bury it…"

"… er…a ditch, perhaps…?", said Ratty, chuckling to himself…

"Yes of course!

So, with help from his horse Dobbin and his friends Ermine and Weasel, Arip buried the pound in the ditch.

Then suddenly the Vole attacked and there was an almighty battle.

After a few minutes, Arip shouted "Voliamus!" and threw the magic nose and the size nine and three-quarter platform shoes at the Vole, who ran off squeaking  in terror."

Mole paused for a quick slurp of tea and seemed to calm down a little.

"Oh Mole," said Ratty soothingly, "I feel for you, it was a terrible dream indeed, but … well, maybe you should just stop reading those potty books before bed-time!"

© David W Solomons 2011

Comments from readers:

Hogreed

So, this proves that Kenneth Grahame got there first!

Serious Block

No it doesn't, stupid! Mole wasn't reading Kenneth Grahame he was reading Jakey Railing

Jakey Railing

Don't take my name in vain or I'll get you!

Serious Block

Oh yeah? you and whose ermine?

Jake Rolling

Calm down dears, they were actually my books!

Joke Reeling

ROTFL

Hogreed

Let's get serious. No, I mean it,… let's GET Serious!

Serious Block

Sure, you've always had it in for me….

Kenneth Williams

Infamy...!? ..... er, no, it’s beneath me, I refuse to use that pun again.  Honestly! I came all the way from Great Portland Street for this....!

Kenneth Grahame

(sounds of rolling in his grave…..)

J Crawling

Get me out of here…….