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7th movement of the La folia variations

The mad scene from Pierre Pathelin

abridged and adapted somewhat freely for a modern audience by D W Solomons

Download Pathelin's mad scene (mp3)

The story so far:

Pathelin has obtained a large number of jeans from the Draper' market stall, promising to pay him when he comes round to his house for dinner. Pathelin then plans with his wife Guillemette how to get out of paying for the goods: he will pretend to be raving mad and at death's door with brain fever and she will weep distractedly and persuade the Draper that it could not have been Pathelin who took the goods because he has been ill in bed for a long time.

The Draper

I don't know what you're laughing or crying about. To cut it short I must be paid.

Guillemette

What for? Are you daft? Are you ranting again?

The Draper

I'm not used to being talked to like that, when I'm selling my cloth. You can't pull the woolly over my eyes.

Pathelin

Now there is the Queen of the geeeetars. Quick fetch her here. I know very well she has mothered 24 ukuleles by the Abbot of Wintertown. I must stand godfather for them.

Guillemette

Oh heavens, think about God the Father my dear, not godfathering guitars.

The Draper

Ha, what scam artists.Come on naah, pay me.

Guillemette

Aren't you satisfied with just making one mistake?

Pathelin

Mère de dieu, ma foi, il faut fuir vers l'outremer. Ventre de Dieu cet homme est horrible et il ne m'a rien donné, mçme s'il me parle d'argent. Capeesh, capeesh cousin?

Guillemette

He had an uncle in Paris, that must be why he's jabbering in French.

The Draper

Come on naah, he got away with six of my jeans.

Pathelin

Make it so, sweet lady, make it so.What does that strange being want? Get away, you devil. Back to your planet! Quick! I want to beam down and join that monastery. Should a priest put phasers on stun when he should be singing the mass?

Guillemette

Alas, soon it will be time for the last sacrament.

The Draper

But where does this foolish Picard dialect come from?

Guillemette

His mother was a Star Trek fan.That must be why he's "making it so".

Pathelin

Woher kommst Du denn, Du Fastnachtsgesicht?

Ochen plokhoi Tovaritsch ;

ana laa uhibbuka, pero no te lo dico in inglese ;

Henri, Heinrich, mein Freund ;

laa fi jadiid tahta sshams ;

Nos da, nos da, saayonara;

Saayaarah?! Niet! Saayonarah!

Ana uhibbu assaayaarah!

Plokhoi, plohkoi all fall down!

Trinken Trinken ! Bitt' schön,

und ein sehr kleines bissel Wasser für mich !

Bring den Meister Thomas

der mir die Beichte abnehme!

A la confession Sire Thomas!

The Draper

What is this? He will keep on all day talking foreign. If only he'd give me my money, I'd go.

Pathelin

zilop, zilop Droitwich Droitwich über alles zilop zilop

allons éléphants de la poitrine

zilop zilop

God shave our gracioush queen . . . long lithe and oh so clean,

God shave the . . .

Ach nein, das war nicht richtig! Oh say can you see, by the candle at night?

Niet, neanche questo!

Guillemette

Oh, how can you be so stubborn?. . . (whispers and giggles) his family must come from further afield than I thought!

Pathelin

Och aye, Braveheart! Aye me scrotum is all furry. God's wounds, who's attacking me backside?

Good grief mon, I've got the foot and mouth ain't  ah? . . . do I have to go back to Glasgie to get it cured?

The Draper

He's losing his wits, how does he come to be trying to speak a bit Caledonian like, or was it Hibernian?

Guillemette

His schoolmaster was from up there, so in his last hour the memory of it comes back to him. (pretends to cry) He is giving up the ghost.

The Draper

Tarnation, this is the worst raving I have ever run foul of. I'd never have thought he was at the market today.

Guillemette

But that is what you thought.

The Draper

Yes, damned if I didn't. But I see that's not what happened at all. May God forgive me.

Guillemette

Heaven bless you and his poor mournful wife.

[Alone]

The Draper

By all the saints I'm flummoxed worse than ever. The devil himself must've taken my goods to tempt me. May he leave me in peace and since that's how it is, I give them in God's name to whoever took it.

Guillemette

We fooled him good and proper and what about my acting eh?!

Pathelin

Wicked! Girl, you're an angel. We've got enough jeans to fill our wardrobe!

Guillemette

Wicked, gooood!