The Case of the unemployed oil engineer
by Dawn Slovnik , Assistant Translator,January 1982
CONFIDENTIAL FILE GENCUS/1/94/LIC/242a.s. DESTROY AFTER 25 YEARS
1. To General Customs Headquarters
From Language Improvement Corporation Ltd UK 17 October 1994
Re: Seizure of goods by German Customs
Dear Sirs
On 5 October 1994 a consignment of individually containerized phonemes and lexemes
were searched by Homburg Customs and various valuable lexical items were seized on
the grounds that they had been misdescribed as being of Common Market origin.
In particular, we were hoping to market a fine quality lexical item which has a specially
restricted semantic field, viz: “Muhandis”, which, as you are no doubt ware, means
“engineer” in Arabic.
“Muhandis” was therefore intended to fill the gap which has recently appeared in
our journalistic and novelistic media, and would cover only those engineers who have
become unemployable due to the drying up of the oil-fields throughout the Arabic-speaking
world.
It has the advantage of being pronounceable while still maintaining a certain nostalgic
and middle-eastern pathos which now pervades the Arabian world because of the collapse
of their main industries – a pathos which could not be recaptured in the bald phrase
“unemployed oil engineer”.
Unfortunately, this particular word, which we correctly declared as being “not of
EEC origin” on importation to Dover, was misinterpreted by our forwarding agent.
He considered it to be merely a corruption of the English word “handy-man” and therefore,
to avoid unnecessary payment of customs duties, he declared it as a UK word, and
therefore of EEC origin, when the consignment was transhipped and sent to Homburg.
The penalties imposed by Homburg Customs when the goods were seized, however, are
most unreasonable and could severely hamper our trading potential in the linguistic
world.
Would you therefore please ask your German colleagues to reconsider their action?
Yours faithfully
Saleem MacJones (Managing Director)
==========================
2. To: General Customs IN CONFIDENCE
From Homburg Customs
Word Clearance Section 31 October 1994
Dear Colleagues!
I refer to your letter of 21.10.94 reference GENCUS/1/94/LIC/242a.s.
And the enclosed letter of Mr MacJones of LIC Ltd
Mr MacJones has a long history of fraudulent importations of non-EEC lexical items
and is even suspected of complicity in the recent “Mañana” scandal, although nothing
has been proved in that particular instance.
His high-sounding motives and appeals to nostalgia and middle-eastern pathos do no
more than cover up the simple monetary lust of any run-of-the-mill smuggler with
his eye to the main chance.
The case of the “unemployed oil engineer” also brings with it certain unpleasant
overtones which Mr MacJones carefully omitted to mention.
If the word “Muhandis” were to be granted EEC status it would not beautify the recognised
European languages at all; its anglicized plural would hiss nastily in English and
the word is unpronounceable in French and Italian in its present form.
It is true that it fits German tolerably well and could even generate a teutonic
plural such as “Muhandisse”, but it is certain that the Arabic-speaking immigrant
workers here would insist on the proper plural: “muhandisiin”, and this would further
contribute to the splitting of working-class society in Germany.
One could even foresee the white workers turning the Arabs’ word against them and
“muhandisiin” would join the swelling ranks of terms-of-abuse in this troubled land!
One is led to ponder why Mr MacJones saw fit to transship his cargo in Dover in order
to introduce the word first into Germany and not some other country where it could
do less harm.
I am writing this letter in the strictest confidence and in all frankness, in the
hope that you will understand our position. The penalty cannot be waived and the
lexical item in question will remain in our warehouse until the charges and penalty
have been paid…
The Federal Government is being urged to prohibit the importation of such potentially
dangerous words, so Mr MacJones will have to re-export it or have it destroyed in
any case.
Yours faithfully
Maria Ursula Helena Andis (supervising officer, Word Clearance)
=================================
3. To: General Customs
From LIC Ltd 10 November 1994
Dear Sirs
I enclose a confidential letter from Fräulein Andis of Homburg Customs which must
have been sent to us at Language Improvement Corporation by mistake.
Naturally, we have kept a certified photocopy in our files!
As the letter is self-explanatory and is itself substantial evidence for us to bring
a case of victimization before the Strasbourg court, we could take action against
your German colleagues forthwith.
However, we shall not do so if you are able to convince them of the error of their
ways, using the official channels.
Yours gratefully
Saleem MacJones (Managing Director)
===========================================
4. To: General Customs
From Homburg Regional Finance Directorate 18 November 1994
Dear Colleagues,
I refer to your letter of 13 November 1994 ref GENCUS/1/94/LIC/242 a.s., in which
you suggest that Fräulein Andis is victimizing a so-called reputable company. She
has put her case to me for arbitration and I can only agree with her arguments ….
What are Customs services for if not to protect the European Market from imports
of potentially harmful goods!?
I enclose for your information a report of a previous case where Language Improvement
Corporation attempted to smuggle non-EEC lexical items into an unsuspecting and already
flooded market.
I shall leave the “Mañana” scandal to a later letter.
Yours faithfully
Maximillian Uriah Hans Andis
(Collector in Chief for Homburg)
Encl: 1 report
===================================
5. Summary Report 17 July 1990
Subject: Language Improvement Corporation Ltd UK
On 16 July 1990 the above company declared goods entered at Esbjerg to be lexical
items of European Origin and free of all customs duty.
On opening the container, a string of guttural sounding expletives was discovered,
believed to be intended for the pornographic film industry.
Despite repeated and very polite interrogation, the Managing Director of the company
would not reveal the true country of origin of these highly-spiced lexical items
and they remain in customs control as seized goods pending further inquiries into
their origin.
Additional Note: 17 July 1993
As the above lexical items have not been adequately accounted for and no country
has claimed ownership, they have been destroyed in the official incinerator.
It is reported that various sheep upwind of the incinerator subsequently panicked
and jumped into the sea. The farmer’s claim for compensation is being considered,
=====================================
Note for file 2 Jan 1995
Messrs LIC finally agreed to pay the penalty to Homburg Customs and re-exported the
whole consignment to Kuwait by air, changing at Orly.
The case is settled; the file may be put away.
To: General Customs 17 October 2019
From: Filing Clerk
Before destroying this file now the requisite 25 years are over, I thought you might
like to see it – especially in view of the fact that Prime Minister MacJones has
ordered all confidential files on language to be reviewed.
=======================================
To: Chairman of Customs in the EEC
From: General Customs 17 October 2019 URGENT
Dear Mr Andis
This file may shed light on the secrecy surrounding the fateful group of lexical
items which gained a strange and unaccountable popularity in Northern France over
twenty years ago, shortly after the scandal of the collapse of the Paris and Lille
oil-fields.
No evidence was found to prove that LIC had connived in the spread of such emotive
words as “Mouandisse” in strife-torn France, but it appears from the attached correspondence
that the word may have “fallen off the back of an aeroplane” to use the old expression.
The subsequent “Muhandisiin” riots in Germany show indeed how your own aunt Maria
Ursula, in her prophetic good sense, has truly deserved the honours recently bestowed
on her by the Homburg Council. I take my hat off to her!
I suggest, however, that action against LIC is fraught with difficulties now that
Mr MacJones has been elected Prime Minister of England and Monmouthshire.
I therefore address the file for your attention.
Yours in deference, peace be with your soul,
Tom Smith (Mudiir of General Customs)
=================================
To: General Customs
From: The Chairman of EEC CUsotms
31 October 2019
Dear Mr Smith,
Many salutations and heartfelt gratitude for sight of these esteemed papers.
The fact that your post has been renamed from “Head” of General Customs to “Mudiir”
of same is a sign that all is not well.
The aeroplane you refer to must have discharged much of its load before it left EEC
airspace!
Much has happened of an unseemly nature since we last corresponded on the subject
of LIC.
I shall enlarge on the “Mañana” scandal in a later letter, but would request at present
that you investigate more thoroughly the continued illegal imports of non-EEC kallimaat
– sorry, I mean non-EEC lexical items!
MacJones notwithstanding, I suggest the present file will do as a start.
Yours, throwing flowers to your esteemed feet,
Maximillian Andis
(Chairman of EEC Jamarik
- er sorry, I mean Chairman of EEC Customs)
===============================
To: The Chairman of EEC Customs
From General Customs 31 November [sic!!] 2019
Dear Mr Andis
I have just received word from our esteemed Prime Minister of England and Monmouthshire,
who suggests that to delve deeper into these matters would prove detrimental to the
state of our relationships with certain non-European bilaad – I mean countries.
However, the letter ends with a word I cannot place although it has been mentioned
once or twice by your good self.
That word is “mañana”. Does it mean anything to you?
Yours with all the humble esteem of an ant to a great lord
Tom Smith (Mudiir of General Customs)
=================================
To: General Customs
From: The Chairman of EEC Customs 20 July 2039
Dear Mr Smith
I apologise for the delay in returning this file.
It was accidentally put away for nearly twenty years.
I return it for your continued inquiries and hope to hear from you before my impending
retirement.
I shall enlarge upon the “mañana” scandal in a later letter.
Yours with all the desire to please as a flower for a humming bird
Maximillian Andis
==================
Note for file: The General Customs Section has been Muhandissed.
This file may be destroyed.
Signed: Ahmed MacJones (Mudiir of International Customs)
