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"Bananas are politically very sensitive....

(and we have to be careful how we tread when dealing with them”

- quote from an anonymous Civil Servant!)

"Oh, they're smuggling bananas through Sandwich."

I heard the officer say,

"It will start a trade in the land which

Will wipe competition away;

For duty evaded is twenty percent.

Why, with all that spare cash I'd have paid off my rent,

With some spare for a trip to Thailand which

I promised myself one fine day!"

So they sent five brave people to Sandwich

To bring the smugglers to bay;

And they set up their posts down the strand which

Resembled mere beach huts by day..

But the officers kept their watch all through the night

In their windy old tents they all guarded their right

To charge twenty percent on bananas.

O dear, alack a day.

Now the five who were posted in Sandwich

Were treading with care around ten

For they'd heard of a ship by the sand which

Was full of bananas;but then

Our officer Smith heard a cry from the shore:

"We have no bananas!" ....He replied "Tell me more"

Down he rushed, down he slithered, and then there were four:

Oh dear, alack a day.

The four who were waiting at Sandwich

Went down then to see the crew

Who were friendly and offered their hand which

Worried our fine boys in blue.

Our officer Brown accepted some tea

Which was laced with fine whisky - so then there were three

To stop smuggled bananas from coming by sea.

Oh dear, alack a day.

The three in the ship down at Sandwich

Decided to visit the hold

To see this great contraband which

Was truly there, as they'd been told.

Our officer Black peers into a crate

Disturbs a huge spider, runs off at a rate,

And leaves two to save Britain from her fruity fate.

Oh dear alack a day.

The two in the ship down at Sandwich

Were locked in the hold by the crew.

For a month there was just contraband which

Could sustain the unfortunate two.

When let out, they ran wildly through Sandwich - and sadly

The bananas were eaten, or else had gone badly..

Oh dear alack a day!

© D W Solomons 1979

(written in memory of a case involving

misdescription of bananas )